I used to believe that God was an impersonal, vague, and mysterious energy who I could never have a personal relationship with. This concept allowed me to live a very self-seeking, self-centered existence in which I lived only to improve my self, and take credit for any "progress" I made.
Intellectual aerobics and philosophical speculation were my favorite hobbies. I dabbled in various religious and New Age concepts and new scientific speculations like transhumanism. This time last year I had a big head hiding behind a facade of humility and "having in together". It wasn't long before my relationships began to suffer and it became clear that all of the 'knowledge' I had gathered hadn't been able to fill the growing hole in my heart.
It was around this time that my husband* and I asked the "Universe" to give us a child. To our great delight I became pregnant almost immediately. I felt a deep sense that Motherhood would give me the purpose and joy I so longed for. I truly thought that it was the answer to my emptiness.
I spent those months of pregnancy reading everything I could about natural childbirth. I became disgusted with the way western medical practice treats childbirth like a disease, and women as incapable of performing something that should be so natural. But I also became amazed at just how perfectly orchestrated the natural process of childbirth really is. I read dozens of stories of women who surrendered to a higher order in childbirth and had profound experiences.
I found an inner conviction that my baby would be born safely and without a hitch if I could just have enough faith to surrender fully to nature.
Sure enough, I had the natural homebirth of my dreams. My son was born in a warm birthing pool in under 6 hours. I was proud of myself.
I approached Motherhood with the same faith that if I educated myself and stuck as close to nature's way as possible, I would be the best Mother in the world and raise the happiest, most healthy baby who ever lived (right).
I see now that God had big plans for me in those first few months as a Mother. I became depressed as sleep deprivation, lack of proper nutrition, guilt and tension in my marriage whittled me down.
By the time my son was five months old, I had thoughts of suicide almost daily (postpartum depression, no doubt), had cut off all of my friends, and lashed out at my husband at every corner. Obviously my carefully laid plans were in ruins, and I was at a loss as to where I could possibly summon the energy to fix things.
One afternoon as I held my son who had been fussing for hours, anger and hopelessness boiled within. I found myself saying out loud through angry tears, "God, I can't do this on my own! I NEED You."
It was as if God picked me up right then and let me cry in his arms.
A month passed and I was still a tangle of anger and exhaustion, however a seed of hope had been planted.
One day as my son slept in my arms, God showed me a quote along the lines of, "I have scarcely enough room in my heart for a friend."
Whoa. It was absolutely true. But WHY, God? Right then God showed me that I have been angry with Him for many years.
My Father abandoning the family, my Mother's despair in alcohol, the suffering of children all over the world, the pathetic state of humanity... these were very disturbing to my heart and I was angry with God for caring so little for His creation. The tragic words, "God is dead" weren't as despairing as, "God is alive but can't be bothered with us."
It was a few days later than God spoke to my cries of anguish.
I'll share that gift from God in tomorrow's post. I'll also share how Jesus has been so patient with me in my search for a relationship with Him.
Lord, may every word in this blog be for You and praise You~
No comments:
Post a Comment