Where He Stops Me

   The Bible is a living word, as relevant today as it has ever been.


   The Bible can be a daunting thing to pick up if you're not properly acquainted.

   In my "wayward years" I'd pull out my old Bible from time to time and flip back and forth, but inevitably I became confused and overwhelmed. It seemed so remote.

    After surrendering my life to Christ, I longed to know how to go about reading the Bible in a way that was meaningful. I so longed to experience the joy of understanding that I've heard many others speak of.

   I'm learning to go to my Father in prayer when I'm in need of guidance, so I prayed that He would show me a meaningful way to read the Bible so that I could understand and apply His word, and let it change me.

   A few days later He answered my prayer with a book called, "Lord, Change Me!" by Evelyn Christenson.

   It that book, she relates a way to go about reading the Bible, and it has changed the way I look at the unassuming book sitting next to my bed.

   Evelyn believes that the Bible is the living word, as relevant today as it has ever been. The idea is to read only until God stops you. The Holy Spirit will nudge us as we come upon a verse or a single word that urges us to "STOP!", and we'd do well to listen.

   She goes on to say that where we have been stopped is a message specifically for us. So when the Holy Spirit gives a little nudge saying, "There, stop there", resist the urge to read on, and simply let the phrase you have just read seep in. Then pray, ask, read it again, and pray some more, as you suck out all of the meaning that was intended for you.  

   The understanding might be immediate, or it may take prayer and meditation for the message to hit home.

   So I have undertaken to use this "where He stops me" approach to reading God's word, and already the Bible feels more friendly and less intimidating to pick up.

   Thank You, Lord!

   I'll be posting along my journey of reading the Bible until He stops me. Watch out for those posts to come!

   What are some personal ways you approach Bible study?

 

Feminist to Homemaker

While I don't blame my unhappiness on the Feminist Movement, I came across this image and have to wonder what's its all about. 

   My college years were probably the most lonely and depressing years of my life. These were also the years I called myself a feminist, among other things. I tried so hard to appear 'in control', 'together', 'successful'. Ugh. 

    I thought I had it all together; good grades, always ready for frivolous speculation, a true postmodern "womyn".

   I was certainly too smart, too sophisticated to ever be the kind of woman who took delight in serving her husband and family. 

   This mask covered the truth very poorly, and anyone who spent more than a few moments with me must have seen a very disheveled and disoriented woman behind it. 

   And then I fell in love and got "married" (more on this later).

   But even though I had such a great guy, I still held firm ideas about an "equal" relationship, which to me meant 50/50 sharing of household duties and about everything else.

   I measured, nit-picked, complained, and expected my modern man to be a feminist right along side me. 

   When we were blessed with our first child shortly into our marriage, it became increasingly obvious that woman and men ARE different with naturally different roles.  

   I carried our baby in my womb. As I got heavier and more tired, I stuck around home and prepared it for our babes arrival. When our son was born, I nursed him and spent all of my time with him. It felt right. 

   God was watching, and faithfully guided me towards His will for me.


   He directed me towards scripture that outlines biblical womanhood and motherhood. Wow, had I missed the mark. God wasn't calling me to be on the look-out to make sure that everything in my marriage was 'equal'. It wasn't my job to make sure DH did just as much housekeeping work as I did in the name of equality. 

 He had made my husband and I different for a reason, and maybe, just maybe, there was a harmony He intended to blossom when I pursue the beautiful uniqueness of a woman's role while DH pursed God's call on him. 

  I'm embarrassed at my selfishness and complete lack of understanding of God's plan for womanhood, wifehood, and motherhood. But God is in the business of turning chaos into order, bringing light where there's only the confusion of darkness. 

   As God has patiently pointed the way, a sense of rightness has been growing and growing. 

   I have a LONG way to go, so its a good thing I have such a wonderful husband and determined, loving God! 

   God has guided me to an in-depth study of Proverbs 31:10-31 as well as Titus 2 and 1 Peter 3. I ask Him to make my heart plain and open before His words. I'll be posting updates as I go along this journey from feminist to homemaker. 

Trusting and seeking.

Beholding the Glory (again and again)

   "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." John 3:3

   Before my new life in Christ, I felt like all of my past failures stood between me and the good, happy person I wanted to be. I read many self-help books and tried to rid myself of past baggage by trying, trying, TRYING. But the most that got me was a false air of "spirituality".

   Despite my best efforts, the happiness I sought was impossibly far. I was encrusted with sin while stubbornly claiming, "I can save myself!"

  It was quite a process, but the Lord through His mercy showed me that the only way to be truly saved is to realize we can't do it ourselves, and let Him take over.

   "Well, I guess the Creator of All, the Almighty God is more suited to guide my life than I am." I was certainly good at messing things up and getting no where! 

   When I finally accepted the redeeming gift of Jesus (saved!), He went right to work.

   The Lord has promised his children a new life in Him. When we are born again, nothing is the same. I remember looking around my house, and being struck that the cutlery and carpet and even the walls felt like they had been breathed on by God. When the burden of sin is lifted, oh yes, everything changes!

   What a thrill, this path of refinement by His grace~

  Each time I surrender to Him, laying my hang-ups, fears, and hopes at His feet, I experience the richness of His love and the blessing of new life over and over again.

   Thank You Jesus!

Who is this Jesus?

   Imagine, if you will, believing in this man called Jesus. Imagine believing with absolute certainty of faith that he walked the earth as God in the flesh. Literally the Almighty Creator of all things dwelling amongst humans in human form. 
   Imagine that this Jesus was sent here to live and die in agony by the Almighty Creator so that:
   
   a) humans could never point to God and say, "what does He know about suffering?"
   
   b) humans could never say, "God is too far away to pay us any notice."
   
   c) humans no longer had to try to work their way to God, to heaven, by their upright life and good deeds, because this is impossible for imperfect humans, but Jesus did it all FOR us. 


   As I said in my last post, it was only a month ago that I considered Jesus a mortal with spiritual gifts, certainly not God in the flesh. I would have put Jesus on par with the Buddha.
   In truth, I knew very little about the life of Jesus and his teachings. His story seemed a vague faerie tale from my Sunday School days.
   One day I asked God, "If there is something worth looking at in the life of Jesus, please show me." It was a few days later that I found a book for 25cents at a thrift shop.
  "Who Is This Jesus", by Michael Green, brought me face-to-face for the first time with the realization that Jesus was LITERALLY God in the flesh. I have to say this realization lasted only a second and was foggied by my mind's reluctance to entertain such a profound and hard-to-swallow thought. However, it was there, and it struck a deep chord.
   I had a second profound glimpse as I continued to read this book: Not only was Jesus literally God in the flesh, JESUS IS STILL ALIVE! 
   Wait a minute, hold on God... Jesus, still kicking around?  
   The resurrection suddenly demanded more careful attention, and the implications were almost more than I could stand. Almost. 
   If Jesus was truly the Son of God/God in the flesh, and He was risen, then that means He is still alive today. Perhaps He's doing similar things as He did when He walked the earth, only from a different vantage point.   
   That's a lot to chew on, to say the least. I'll leave it at that for now, because Jesus is a huge topic indeed!

Grateful and seeking,
Jenny

   

God, I NEED You! (part 2)

  God blessed me when he compelled my husband to read aloud a chapter from the book, Getting in Touch With God, by Jim Burns. The suffering of the world along with my failure at finding fulfillment on my own found me playing footsies with despair on a daily basis.
   My husband read, "If you read today's headlines in the newspaper you can get pretty depressed. But if we keep our eyes on the Lord Jesus Christ we can have hope even in the midst of difficult circumstances."
  Tears flowing from a confused mix of emotions poured down my face. Could it really be that there is hope is this man called Jesus? (At this point, I still considered Jesus an enlightened human being, certainly a prophet, perhaps a Yogi, but not literally God in the flesh).
   The chapter went on to give four reasons that we can remain hopeful in the midst of confusing circumstances:

   1. Jesus will win the final victory.
   "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End" (Rev. 21:6).

   2. Jesus sets you free.
   "For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free" (Rom. 8:2).

   3. There is no condemnation for those in Christ. 

   4. God's love transcends human understanding. 
  "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 Nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Rom. 8:38-39).

   The chapter finished with, "God loves you and wants the best for you. His love will give you hope even in the bleakest of circumstances. There is a light always shining, and the light is the love of God. In Him you can find hope." Could this be? Is it just wishful thinking by people not smart enough or brave enough to face reality?
   This was followed by a challenge: "Make a list of reasons why you can be hopeful in a world filled with hopeless happenings."
   To be honest, even though I've been blessed so much, I was so entangled with suffering that I found this challenge hard. I looked out the window and saw a beautiful sky with trees and leaves. Whoever made this sky and gives life to the trees must be good and powerful and present. I felt the air filling my lungs and knew that surely the Creator is blessing me with each breath.
   While my faith was so tiny, it was slowly growing. This was a mere two months ago, and God has fed my faith daily, so that while I'm still in the beginning of infancy in my faith, I'm no longer prone to despair, and I thank God from the bottom of my heart for that. I'm learning to trust Him.

   In my next post I'll talk about how God took me from believing that Jesus was a regular man, to tasting a glimpse of his divine character as the Son of God.

   Lord, thank You for guiding me towards your Son, and for being so patient with my doubts, and hesitance to believe.


 

God, I NEED You! (part 1)

  

   

  I used to believe that God was an impersonal, vague, and mysterious energy who I could never have a personal relationship with. This concept allowed me to live a very self-seeking, self-centered existence in which I lived only to improve my self, and take credit for any "progress" I made.

   Intellectual aerobics and philosophical speculation were my favorite hobbies. I dabbled in various religious and New Age concepts and new scientific speculations like transhumanism. This time last year I had a big head hiding behind a facade of humility and "having in together". It wasn't long before my relationships began to suffer and it became clear that all of the 'knowledge' I had gathered hadn't been able to fill the growing hole in my heart.

   It was around this time that my husband* and I asked the "Universe" to give us a child. To our great delight I became pregnant almost immediately. I felt a deep sense that Motherhood would give me the purpose and joy I so longed for. I truly thought that it was the answer to my emptiness.

   I spent those months of pregnancy reading everything I could about natural childbirth. I became disgusted with the way western medical practice treats childbirth like a disease, and women as incapable of performing something that should be so natural. But I also became amazed at just how perfectly orchestrated the natural process of childbirth really is. I read dozens of stories of women who surrendered to a higher order in childbirth and had profound experiences.

   I found an inner conviction that my baby would be born safely and without a hitch if I could just have enough faith to surrender fully to nature.

   Sure enough, I had the natural homebirth of my dreams. My son was born in a warm birthing pool in under 6 hours. I was proud of myself.

   I approached Motherhood with the same faith that if I educated myself and stuck as close to nature's way as possible, I would be the best Mother in the world and raise the happiest, most healthy baby who ever lived (right).

   I see now that God had big plans for me in those first few months as a Mother.  I became depressed as sleep deprivation, lack of proper nutrition, guilt and tension in my marriage whittled me down.

   By the time my son was five months old, I had thoughts of suicide almost daily (postpartum depression, no doubt), had cut off all of my friends, and lashed out at my husband at every corner. Obviously my carefully laid plans were in ruins, and I was at a loss as to where I could possibly summon the energy to fix things.

   One afternoon as I held my son who had been fussing for hours, anger and hopelessness boiled within. I found myself saying out loud through angry tears, "God, I can't do this on my own! I NEED You."

   It was as if God picked me up right then and let me cry in his arms.

   A month passed and I was still a tangle of anger and exhaustion, however a seed of hope had been planted. 

   One day as my son slept in my arms, God showed me a quote along the lines of, "I have scarcely enough room in my heart for a friend."

   Whoa. It was absolutely true. But WHY, God? Right then God showed me that I have been angry with Him for many years.

   My Father abandoning the family, my Mother's despair in alcohol, the suffering of children all over the world, the pathetic state of humanity... these were very disturbing to my heart and I was angry with God for caring so little for His creation. The tragic words, "God is dead" weren't as despairing as, "God is alive but can't be bothered with us."

   It was a few days later than God spoke to my cries of anguish.

   I'll share that gift from God in tomorrow's post. I'll also share how Jesus has been so patient with me in my search for a relationship with Him. 

   Lord, may every word in this blog be for You and praise You~

small beginnings

"Why wait until that great, climactic day when the last finishing touch is put on the temple before you begin to see the validity of your work? Begin praising God right now, and trust Him that your efforts are relevant even in this day of small beginnings."

Here's a story to get this blog going. It was in reading this story that I knew, "It's time for me to start a blog."

Zerubbabel had tried to get people to work on rebuilding the temple, but they were so discouraged that nobody wanted to work. So the disheartened governor sat down on a huge stone, looking around at the heaps of rubble from what had been a great temple before the Babylonian army destroyed it.
   "Boy, this place is a mess," Zerubbabel sighed. "Why did we ever want to come back here anyway? There's nothing left of this city worth returning to. Toppled stones and debris everywhere. This place is a disaster."
   Just then, young Zechariah, the prophet, tapped Zerubbabel on the shoulder. "Hello," he said cheerfully. "How's it going?"
   "What a disaster!" moaned Zerubbabel. "Nobody showed up for work again today. Here I am, 'the great restorer of the land of Isreal.' I'm supposed to raise up this temple to the glory of God, but I can't get anybody inspired to work on it."
   "Zerubbabel, God is with you."
    Looking up, Zerubbabel questioned, "God is with us?"
   "Of course He is. The very fact that you're no longer in captivity but are in this land is evidence of God's grace. You're a lot closer to seeing this place restored than you think you are. God says that your hands have laid the foundation of this house, and your hands will finish it. But there's something you have to do first."
   Zerubbabel moaned and shook his head.
   "No, no. Listen to me. You can do it. See that stone over there almost hidden by the grass and weeds? That's the capstone, the finishing stone for the new temple. It's the final stone the people will put into place, the stone that signifies the building is completed."
   "Yeah, OK. So?"
   "Well, God says you're to shout, 'Grace, grace!' to it."
   "To what?"
   "To the stone."
   "I'm supposed to shout to a stone?"
   "Listen to me, Zerubbabel. God said to you, 'It is not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit.' You're supposed to put your confidence in the grace of God. That's what shouting 'Grace!' is all about. Come on now. Get up and walk over there and shout, 'Grace, grace!' "
   "Zechariah, I know you mean well. But I'm already having trouble getting people to follow me. If they see me standing out here in the middle of these weeds, shouting at a rock-"
   "Zerubbabel, are you going to obey the Lord or not? Are you going to trust His grace, or aren't you? Now say it!"
   "OK. What do I have to lose? I'll do it. Here goes: Grace.... Grace....
   "No, no, that will never do. You're supposed to shout it: Grace! Grace!
   Zerubbabel's effort was less than enthusiastic. After a couple of halfhearted shouts, both stood silently looking at the stone. Finally Zechariah said, "You know what's the matter with you, Zerubbabel? You're despising the day of small beginnings."
   Zerubbabel made no reply. Zechariah continued, "Because you're not seeing a lot happening around you right now, you're counting these days as unimportant. You've thrown them away as irrelevant. But the very fact that you're here in the land is the beginning of the move of God. There is something very great He wants to perform."
   "It doesn't feel like the move of God to me."
   "That's because you're out of touch with how God sees it. You're despising what's happening now because it looks so small. It is small, but it's real; it's legitimate. All these obstacles that look like a great mountain to you are going to become a flattened plain. You'll see the day when this temple is complete and the capstone is put in place. Why wait until that great, climactic day when the last finishing touch is put on the temple before you begin to see the validity of your work? Begin praising God right now, and trust Him that your efforts are relevant even in this day of small beginnings."

This story is a paraphrase of Zechariah 4:6-10 by Mike Bickle, from his book Passion for Jesus.