hello again, three years later

I forgot I had started a blog a few years ago. Didn't even remember the name, and wasn't until commenting on my sister's new blog that I saw that old username, small beginnings. "What's this?", I thought. Clicking on the little username, I was surprised to find an actual blog with... blog posts?!

How did I forget about this stuff? Three years is long, but forget-all-about-it long?

Anyways, re-reading what I've posted, the one thing that is so clear is God is amazing! I still struggle with being the woman He wants me to be, I still think I know more than I actually do, and have pride, selfishness etc. alive in my life. But God has continually showed me more of His character. He is patient, he is loving and gently points me time and time again to Jesus.

Jesus has done for me what I could never accomplish on my own. "It is finished" is what He said on the cross. That means DONE. I don't have to work to impress God with my "goodness" or "spirituality". My failings don't surprise Him in the least.

He's my Father in heaven and loves His children with an everlasting love.

I considered deleting some stuff from my past posts, but I want this blog to be real. Even if I never continue with it. This blog is written by someone who is often too big for her britches, or has a totally immature view of God and the world. But she's someone God has taken to be His. A daughter of the King, redeemed and loved not for my ability to have it all together, but because that's just who He is. It's a love one can only accept with empty hands.

If I praise Him every day for the rest of my life, it only points to a pale shadow of the amazing things He has done for me in Jesus.

Do you know Him?

How I learned that nothing can substitute a relationship with God. 

   I better start by saying that I was brought up in a Christian household. I have fond memories of marching around the coffee table singing "Jesus loves the little children" following our evening devotion. 

   But whatever faith and comfort I found in Jesus as a small child was severely damaged when, after moving from Texas to Canada, my Father left my six siblings and I and headed back to Texas.

   My Mom turned to alcohol three years later when I was 12. Watching her lose faith and hit rock bottom for years was gut-wrenching, and I simply couldn't believe that this Jesus whom my parents had introduced me to was anywhere to be found. 

   I have always been drawn to things of spirituality, so through my highschool and college years I pursued my own ideas of spirituality. I soon developed the belief that God was an energy, a force of nature that infused creation with Life. This was an impersonal, vague, and distant God whom I could never have a personal relationship with. This concept led me to live a very self-seeking, self-centered existence in which I lived only to improve my self, and take credit for any "progress" I made. 

   Intellectual aerobics and philosophical speculation were my favorite hobbies. I dabbled in various religious and New Age concepts and scientific wonders like quantum physics and time travel. This time last year, I had a big head hiding behind a facade of humility. It wasn't long before my relationships started to suffer and it became clear that all of the knowledge in the world couldn't fill the growing hole in my heart. 

   It was around this time that my husband* and I asked the "Universe" to give us a child. To our great delight I became pregnant almost immediately. I felt a deep sense that Motherhood would give me purpose and joy. I truly thought that it was the answer to my emptiness.

   I spent those months of pregnancy reading everything I could about natural childbirth. I became disgusted with the way western medical practice treats childbirth like a disease, and women as incapable of performing the 'task'. But I also became amazed at just how perfectly orchestrated the natural process of childbirth really is. I read dozens of stories of women who surrendered to a higher order in childbirth and had profound experiences. 

   I found an inner conviction that my baby would be born safely and without a hitch if I could just have enough faith to surrender fully to Nature. 

   Sure enough, I had the natural homebirth of my dreams. My son was born in a warm birthing pool in under 6 hours. I was proud of myself. 

   I approached Motherhood with the same faith that if I educated myself and stuck as close to nature's way as possible, I would be the best Mother in the world and raise the happiest, most healthy baby. 

   I see now that God had big plans for me in those first few months as a Mother.  I became depressed as sleep deprivation, lack of proper nutrition, guilt and tension in my marriage whittled me down. 

   By the time my son was five months old, I fantasized about suicide daily, I cut off all of my friends, and lashed out at my husband at every corner. Obviously my carefully laid plans were in ruins, and I was at a loss as to where I could possibly summon the energy to fix things. 

   One afternoon as I held my son who had been fussing for hours, anger and hopelessness boiled within. I found myself saying out loud through angry tears, "God, I can't do this on my own! I NEED You." 

   It was as if God picked me up right then and let me cry in his arms. 

   A month passed and I was still a tangle of anger and exhaustion, however a seed of hope had been planted. 

   One day as my son baby slept in my arms, God showed me a quote allong the lines of, "I have scarcely enough room in my heart for a friend." 

   Whoa. It was absolutely true. But WHY, God? Right then God showed me that I have been angry with Him for many years. 

   My Dad leaving the family, my Mother's despair in alcohol, and the suffering of children all over the world, the pathetic state of humanity... these were very disturbing to my heart and I was angry with God for caring so little for His creation. The tragic words, "God is dead" were only slightly more despairing than, "God is alive but can't be bothered with us." 

   It was a few days later than God spoke to my cries of anguish at his seeming indifference to a suffering world. 

   I'll share that gift from God in tomorrow's post. I'll also share the way Jesus came into my life. 

   Lord, may every word in this blog be for You and praise You~

Jesus Came Over for Tea

   

   I strapped my son to my chest and held him closely against the swirling wind as we headed outside this morning. It's one of those days where you're happy for the warmth of a scarf. Leaves danced around us as we made our way to a nearby cafe, and I was glad for the gift of four seasons and the excitement each brings.

(never finished this blog post. let that be a lesson to me; finish the post!)

growing weary

   "And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not lose heart." (Gal. 6: 9).


   You know that petty bickering that nibbles away at the peace within relationships? It's usually the small stuff: the bread bag left open again, the failed communication.
 
   I battle daily with old habits of stubbornness and resentment. These behaviors seem "easy" and even "natural" in the moment, and biting my tongue or doing good when I'd rather be difficult can be HARD!

   However...

   God is amazing, and all things are possible through Him!


   So how do I tap into His infinite reservior of patience when in the crux of conflict?

   I simply ask for strength to be silent when I'd like to use hurtful words, to be kind where I might roll my eyes, to forgive easily where I might hold a grudge. And easy as that, He provides!

   But it's all about surrender...

   Sometimes I can feel the peace of God wash over me like a warm hug. But other times, I'm still holding onto the tail end of stubbornness and so deny the gift of peace.

   I've realized that to the extent that I surrender in the moment to Him, He gives me the patience and kindness I need.

    But if my heart remains cold, only half-open, then I'm denying help from the Lord. I know. Why would anyone ever deny such a free and wonderful gift?

   It seems surrender and faith and trust grow gradually. Perhaps He wants to teach us things about Himself along the way to full surrender.

Where He Stops Me

   The Bible is a living word, as relevant today as it has ever been.


   The Bible can be a daunting thing to pick up if you're not properly acquainted.

   In my "wayward years" I'd pull out my old Bible from time to time and flip back and forth, but inevitably I became confused and overwhelmed. It seemed so remote.

    After surrendering my life to Christ, I longed to know how to go about reading the Bible in a way that was meaningful. I so longed to experience the joy of understanding that I've heard many others speak of.

   I'm learning to go to my Father in prayer when I'm in need of guidance, so I prayed that He would show me a meaningful way to read the Bible so that I could understand and apply His word, and let it change me.

   A few days later He answered my prayer with a book called, "Lord, Change Me!" by Evelyn Christenson.

   It that book, she relates a way to go about reading the Bible, and it has changed the way I look at the unassuming book sitting next to my bed.

   Evelyn believes that the Bible is the living word, as relevant today as it has ever been. The idea is to read only until God stops you. The Holy Spirit will nudge us as we come upon a verse or a single word that urges us to "STOP!", and we'd do well to listen.

   She goes on to say that where we have been stopped is a message specifically for us. So when the Holy Spirit gives a little nudge saying, "There, stop there", resist the urge to read on, and simply let the phrase you have just read seep in. Then pray, ask, read it again, and pray some more, as you suck out all of the meaning that was intended for you.  

   The understanding might be immediate, or it may take prayer and meditation for the message to hit home.

   So I have undertaken to use this "where He stops me" approach to reading God's word, and already the Bible feels more friendly and less intimidating to pick up.

   Thank You, Lord!

   I'll be posting along my journey of reading the Bible until He stops me. Watch out for those posts to come!

   What are some personal ways you approach Bible study?

 

Feminist to Homemaker

While I don't blame my unhappiness on the Feminist Movement, I came across this image and have to wonder what's its all about. 

   My college years were probably the most lonely and depressing years of my life. These were also the years I called myself a feminist, among other things. I tried so hard to appear 'in control', 'together', 'successful'. Ugh. 

    I thought I had it all together; good grades, always ready for frivolous speculation, a true postmodern "womyn".

   I was certainly too smart, too sophisticated to ever be the kind of woman who took delight in serving her husband and family. 

   This mask covered the truth very poorly, and anyone who spent more than a few moments with me must have seen a very disheveled and disoriented woman behind it. 

   And then I fell in love and got "married" (more on this later).

   But even though I had such a great guy, I still held firm ideas about an "equal" relationship, which to me meant 50/50 sharing of household duties and about everything else.

   I measured, nit-picked, complained, and expected my modern man to be a feminist right along side me. 

   When we were blessed with our first child shortly into our marriage, it became increasingly obvious that woman and men ARE different with naturally different roles.  

   I carried our baby in my womb. As I got heavier and more tired, I stuck around home and prepared it for our babes arrival. When our son was born, I nursed him and spent all of my time with him. It felt right. 

   God was watching, and faithfully guided me towards His will for me.


   He directed me towards scripture that outlines biblical womanhood and motherhood. Wow, had I missed the mark. God wasn't calling me to be on the look-out to make sure that everything in my marriage was 'equal'. It wasn't my job to make sure DH did just as much housekeeping work as I did in the name of equality. 

 He had made my husband and I different for a reason, and maybe, just maybe, there was a harmony He intended to blossom when I pursue the beautiful uniqueness of a woman's role while DH pursed God's call on him. 

  I'm embarrassed at my selfishness and complete lack of understanding of God's plan for womanhood, wifehood, and motherhood. But God is in the business of turning chaos into order, bringing light where there's only the confusion of darkness. 

   As God has patiently pointed the way, a sense of rightness has been growing and growing. 

   I have a LONG way to go, so its a good thing I have such a wonderful husband and determined, loving God! 

   God has guided me to an in-depth study of Proverbs 31:10-31 as well as Titus 2 and 1 Peter 3. I ask Him to make my heart plain and open before His words. I'll be posting updates as I go along this journey from feminist to homemaker. 

Trusting and seeking.

Beholding the Glory (again and again)

   "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." John 3:3

   Before my new life in Christ, I felt like all of my past failures stood between me and the good, happy person I wanted to be. I read many self-help books and tried to rid myself of past baggage by trying, trying, TRYING. But the most that got me was a false air of "spirituality".

   Despite my best efforts, the happiness I sought was impossibly far. I was encrusted with sin while stubbornly claiming, "I can save myself!"

  It was quite a process, but the Lord through His mercy showed me that the only way to be truly saved is to realize we can't do it ourselves, and let Him take over.

   "Well, I guess the Creator of All, the Almighty God is more suited to guide my life than I am." I was certainly good at messing things up and getting no where! 

   When I finally accepted the redeeming gift of Jesus (saved!), He went right to work.

   The Lord has promised his children a new life in Him. When we are born again, nothing is the same. I remember looking around my house, and being struck that the cutlery and carpet and even the walls felt like they had been breathed on by God. When the burden of sin is lifted, oh yes, everything changes!

   What a thrill, this path of refinement by His grace~

  Each time I surrender to Him, laying my hang-ups, fears, and hopes at His feet, I experience the richness of His love and the blessing of new life over and over again.

   Thank You Jesus!